Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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