I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
