Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
