We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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