remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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