if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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