Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
