I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize