when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
did i just pee glitter
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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