well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
