Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I came so hard my ears popped.
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