My sheets look like a crime scene.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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