Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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