I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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