Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
