Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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