So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
BRING THE BAGELS
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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