Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize