Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
