I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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