then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
