Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
