after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
