he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
