I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
