walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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