my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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