so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize