Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
