She is in my trunk
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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