When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
