I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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