There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
