alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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