Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize