How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
