I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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