it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
