You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
