Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
