So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
