Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
how does that bad decision feel?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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