4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
