Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We are two peas in an std pod
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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