So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize