im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
