Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
