Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
