This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
