yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
