I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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