Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I touched a dick in church today
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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