guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just threw up on my dentist
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
