Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
