Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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