I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
