You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
