I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
