True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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