I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
