i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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