There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
