Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize