On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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