Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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