im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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