Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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