I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
