She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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