My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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