just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
